Monday, 25 April 2016

Subterano (2003)

I was not aware that "what happens if you make a cheap Running Man rip-off with Aussie TV actors from the 1990s?" was a question that needed answering.

Fortunately, the folks at the Australian Film Finance Corporation are possessed of more inquiring minds than my own, and there is no question they're afraid to tackle.  For instance, in this film, they not only answer the question above but boldly ask "does a movie need an actual ending?"

Alas, it turns out that their answer of "no" is incorrect, but good try guys.

So the film kicks off with this guy Conrad escaping from custody while on his way to being executed as a murderer.  You might be worried about such a guy being a protagonist but don't worry: the film will throws a truckload of "fascist dystopia!" signifiers at you to make sure you twig to the fact that he's actually an okay guy.

Anyway, despite learning that his girlfriend was the one who betrayed him to the authorities, Conrad promptly calls her to ask for help in continuing his escape.  For old time's sake or something.  This seems like a very bad idea, but I can count the number of good decisions people make in this movie on the fingers of no hands.

After some clumsy exposition, Conrad and possibly treacherous girlfriend end up trapped in a mysteriously-shut-down car park.  They - and several other people who are pretty obviously just there to get killed - find themselves at the mercy of a shadowy figure who has turned the place into a lethal, real life version of a computer game.  If only it was a good computer game, maybe the movie would be better.

Probably not, though.

So there's a lot of wandering around the car park and some attacks by tacky looking robots and ... this thing ...

This, believe it or not, is the main bad guy.

... and there's a big pile of other stupid, too.  And then the movie stops.

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