Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

A crime wave is sweeping the city.  The only person who seems to have any lead on the culprits is TV new reporter April O'Neil, but the police commissioner is not taking her theories about ancient Ninja clans very seriously.

Fortunately, there is someone who can find and fight the nefarious criminals behind the city's trouble.  Four someones, in fact.  Four sewer-dwelling, pizza-eating Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  And a guy in a hockey mask.  Five someones!  Oh, and the talking mutant rat who trained the turtles in their ninja skills.  Six someones!

When our heroes in a half shell save Ms O'Neil from those supposedly non-existent ninja clan ne'er-do-wells, you can be sure that it's the start of a totally tubular, radical and awesome adventure.  Or at least, you can be sure the turtles will think so.

The TMNT (as those of us who like to type less call them) debuted in their self-titled black and white comic book series in 1984, snared a tabletop roleplaying game license a year later, and exploded onto the small screen (in highly sanitised form) in 1987 with an animated series that ran for ten seasons.  This, their first big screen outing, appeared three years later.  The plot's more or less a remix of the first fifteen or so issues of the original comic book, though the tone slants fairly heavily to the family-friendly sensibilities of the TV show.

Is it any good?  Well ... not really.  But it's actually quite good fun despite all that.  If you're in the mood for a lightweight action-adventure film that doesn't take itself very seriously (and I mean, it is about a bunch of mutant turtle ninja teenagers, so you should probably expect that), then you could certainly find worse ways to spend 80 minutes.

Sanctuary, Season 1 (2008)

Will Zimmerman is a gifted young forensic pathologist whose career has suffered due to his willingness to ask difficult questions ... and to consider outre, fantastical answers.

In the real world, he'd just be a gifted guy with a bit of a loose screw, but this is a TV show.  So when the mysterious Dr Helen Magnus first accidentally knocks him down with her car, then offers him a job, it should be no surprise that it's because the world is filled with strange and bizarre creatures that humanity has somehow contrived to never acknowledge ... despite in at least one waging an extended and active war to exterminate a whole species.

So yeah, it's a modern fantasy series, with werewolves and mermaids and vampires - and other, less traditional critters - lurking in the shadows.  Some are malevolent, some instinctively destructive, and some just want to be left alone.  In his new job at "The Sanctuary", it will be Zimmerman's role to help Dr Magnus and her compatriots to find these "Abnormals" and capture or protect them, as is most appropriate for their circumstances.  All while of course staying off the radar of the authorities or the wider populace.  Though frankly, given the wilful and deliberate ignorance it would take for humanity to not know about some of these beasties, I feel like that last task won't be as hard as it ought to be.

So how is Sanctuary?  Well ... it's okay.  I remember enjoying it at the time it was coming out, even as I was aware of its flaws.  The thing is, genre TV has evolved in leaps and bounds in the decade since it came out, and it's frankly rather been left behind.  I don't think there is much point tracking it down these days, unless you've somehow managed to exhaust the fountain of good new stuff.

Justice League: New Frontier (2008)

It is 1954, and anti-communist hysteria grips the United States.  Any masked vigilante who doesn't reveal their identity and sign an oath of allegiance is treated as a criminal.  Those who do comply may find themselves pressed into military service.

None of this is likely to matter for very much longer, though, because humanity has attracted the attention of an ancient intelligence known as "the Centre".  This creature was born millions of years ago, and retreated beneath the planet's surface to survive the meteor that devastated the dinosaurs.  The discovery of nuclear weapons has convinced the Centre that it is time to destroy the evolved apes that crawl across the planet's surface.

Sounds like a job for those much-suspected masked vigilantes.

I wasn't a huge fan of the comic book miniseries on which this film is based.  It was okay, but ultimately I found the pace a bit slow and the adversary, when it finally emerged from off screen, a bit underwhelming.  The screen adaptation has both strengths and weaknesses compared to the source material.  On the plus side, the pacing is much more brisk; on the negative, it has a lot of characters, probably too many for its slim run time.  The storylines for each are thus rather abbreviated and (as is often the case in superhero comics) tend to rely on the audience's pre-existing knowledge of the cast.

The villain remains rather underwhelming, too.

So is it worth seeing?  If you're a fan of superheroes and don't care if they're live action or animated, then I'd say yes.  I don't think it's going to make a convert of you if you're not already a fan of the genre, though.

Dexter, Season 6 (2011)

Yet another new serial killer has emerged in Miami, this time with an apocalyptic biblical bent.  And once again it is the job of the Homicide Department - and the secret serial killer who lurks among them - to try and track the murderer down.

I can see why the Dexter writers' room thought that juxtaposing a religious killer against their completely secular, rationalist lead character might make for an interesting conflict.  And perhaps it could have, in other hands.  But as it turns out: not in theirs.

Season six is generally regarded as one of the two weakest of the show's run, with the woeful eighth and final entry being its only serious competition.  This review is not going to buck that trend.  Season six lacks a compelling antagonist, the new secondary characters it introduces make little impression (except occasionally in terms of how silly and/or improbable their sub-plots are), and the plot relies on some rather forced contrivances.  Unlike season 5, which I found I enjoyed more when I watched the DVDs than when the show originally aired, this season definitely lived down to my low existing opinion.

You can safely skip this season of Dexter.  The only significant thing it has to offer is well and truly covered by the "previously on ..." intro to season 7.

Redlands (2014)

"Vienna" is a model in Redlands, California, where she shares a home with her musician boyfriend Zac.  Vienna's day job at an office pays the rent on their place, and her lingerie and nude model work finances the "fun" stuff like studio time for Zac.  If you're thinking Zac sounds like a bit of a deadbeat boyfriend, well, you wouldn't be wrong.

Vienna's latest series of modelling gigs are with Allan, a divorced older man whose ambitions to be a photographer seem fairly prurient.  Still, either because she sincerely believes it or because he pays well, Vienna speaks highly of his growing skills and is keen to keep working with him.

Unfortunately, Zac is living proof she has very bad judgement when it comes to men ...

I'm not really sure what the point of Redlands is - other than to have Nicole Fox show off her admittedly impressive body, anyway.  I mean, I guess you can argue that it's a realistic account of what would probably happen to a young woman who is overly trusting of a creepy guy she barely knows, but I'm not sure what the entertainment value in that is supposed to be.

Credit to the guy playing Allan, though: he's pretty good in his role, even when interacting with some significantly less convincing performers.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World, Season 1 (1999)

In the early 20th Century, Professor George Challenger hypothesises that dinosaurs still exist in an isolated location deep in the Amazon jungle.  His scientific colleagues scoff at the idea, but with funding from the enigmatic heiress Marguerite Krux (pronounced "Kroo", but the spelling's similarity to "Crux" is I think not an accident), he intends to mount an expedition to prove it.

Joining them on the journey are man of action Lord John Roxton, journalist with a point to prove Ned Malone, and Challenger's greatest professional rivel, Professor Arthur Summerlee.

Of course they're going to find that Challenger is right, and there is indeed a storm-shrouded plateau where dinosaurs still roam.  But they're also going to discover that finding this Lost World is the easy part.  Getting out of it alive - even with the help of a young woman who grew up there - will be far more difficult.

I suspect that it is not an accident that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World - which is quite a mouthful, so let's agree to just use The Lost World from now on - debuted on TV a couple of years after the second Jurassic Park (also subtitled "The Lost World") came out.  Dinosaurs were big business.

Of course, dinosaurs also don't talk or scheme, and they're expensive to do well on screen, especially when you have a 1999 TV show budget.  So the show's plots quickly wander off in a multitude of directions, plundering from myth and history and public domain fiction with a complete lack of shame.  Or any concern for plausibility.  There's an ocean on the plateau.  An ocean on the plateau.  And Egyptians.  And Camelot.  And a vampire who lives in a Gothic castle.

It's this shameless pastiche of everything under the sun that makes me like this show more than it probably deserves.  Because let's be honest, it's frequently Not Very Good, and sometimes quite a bit racist and/or sexist too.  If you're interested in a gonzo kitchen sink fantasy adventure show and you're willing to suffer through a fair chunk of cultural and patriarchal insensitivity, then you might find yourself watching this show in the same kind of bemused wonderment that I did.

The Valley of Gwangi (1969)

The owners of a "Wild West Circus" discover a secret valley where prehistoric creatures still roam, and in a decision that's right out of King Kong, decide that the best thing to do is to exhibit one of the creatures to gawking crowds.  Given that the creature they choose for this purpose is a 15 foot tall Allosaur, you don't need precognitive powers to guess that this will end just as badly as it did with the big ape.

Have I spoiled the movie's plot, above?  Well, pretty much yes.  But let's be honest, this is not a movie that is sold by its plot.  This is a movie that is sold by the words "Cowboys versus Dinosaurs!" and "Ray Harryhausen".  If either of those two phrases make you feel a spike of excitement, then you are the target audience for this film.  And let me tell you, when my eight year old self first saw The Valley of Gwangi, he was slap back in the bullseye.  The thinly-defined characters and pro forma script - and it's certainly true that the film suffers from both - mattered not a jot.  Dinosaurs rampaging was more than enough to make me a fan.

I don't think I need to say any more ... I reckon I've said enough that you will already know whether or not this movie is for you!

Eureka, Season 2 (2007)

With four years of future memories at his disposal, Jack Carter thinks he's going to be on easy street for a while.  Of course, he's underestimated just how complicated life can be when you're the Sheriff of a town full of mad scientists.  It won't be long before the town called Eureka is throwing him curve balls he never expected.

Yep, Eureka is back with another thirteen episodes about the weird and wacky dangers that arise when you're a secret government think tank in a TV show.  Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that science almost always saves the day, this would come across as quite the Luddite program, since it is inevitably science that puts the day in danger to begin with.

So how is it?  Well, the cast remain likable and the writers are good with the pithy banter, so it's usually pretty light and breezy and easy to watch.  The scripts sometimes tend to sloppiness in the details, though.  And I don't mean "that's not how particle physics works" - I wouldn't know, and I expect a measure of fast and loose with science.  I'm talking about the more prosaic stuff.  The sudden religious fervor of characters in the episode "God Is In The Details" doesn't make a lot of sense for people who experience a near apocalypse every couple of weeks, for instance, and it probably doesn't pay too think too closely about the decisions Henry makes in the season finale.  I'm reminded of Leverage in this regard, as that was also a show that relied on charm to paper over the cracks in the content (though Leverage was worse about it, I think).

Overall though, if you want some lightweight SF-themed entertainment, Eureka still delivers.

The Magnificent Dead (2010)

It's the 1870s and tensions are running high in the small town of Rosewood.  Most of the community are eager to attract investment from the railroad, but a corrupt local landowner has sworn to prevent it, since they'd have to take some of his land to do it.  When his methods to keep out the railroad turn lethal, the locals appeal to a group of six gunslingers for aid and protection.  Unfortunately, this is a case where the cure might well prove far more sinister than the disease ...

You know, "The Magnificent Seven, except the seven turn out to be vampires who plan to feed on the town after 'saving' it" is actually a pretty decent elevator pitch.  And perhaps in other hands it could have been an entertaining film.  Unfortunately, writer/director Shane Scott is not up to the task of delivering on the promise of the premise ... nor, it seems, of getting an even halfway decent performance out of any of his no-name cast.

Because make no mistake, pretty much every element of the execution of The Magnificent Dead is bad.  The acting is bad, the lighting is bad, the dialogue is atrocious, and the special effects are a mixture of mediocre make-up (there's certainly nothing as elaborate or effective as the image on the DVD above) and basement-quality CGI.  This is a bunch of grown-ups delivering a "horror" film arguably less competent, and definitely less entertaining, than Pathogen, which Emily Hagins wrote and directed when she was 12.