Thursday, 29 December 2016

Roar (1997)

The following is fictitious.  Probably.


Shaun Cassidy: "Hi!  I've come to pitch my new show!"
Exec: "Good morning, Mr Cassidy.  What have you got in mind?"
Cassidy: "You know that Hercules the Legendary Journeys show?"
Exec: "It's a huge hit, and we make it, so yeah."
Cassidy: "It's that, but in Ireland."
Exec (slowly): "... okay.  Do you have anything else to distinguish this show other than the setting?"
Cassidy: "Well, we're planning to film it in Australia, rather than New Z--"
Exec (impatient): "Anything else?"
Cassidy: "Of course!  You know how light-hearted Hercules is, with quite a lot of outright comedy and pop culture references?  Well we're going to have none of that.  We're going to be much more serious and stuff!"
Exec (baffled): "... so Hercules ... without the fun?"
Cassidy: "Yeah! We're going to kick off with all kinds of tragedy.  Our hero is Conor, a young prince whose family are murdered by the Romans.  He's played by Heath Ledger."
Exec (brightens!): "Oh hey!  Heath Ledger.  Great casting.  That guy's going to be awesome in ten years.  Good enough no-one will even notice that The Dark Knight is a deeply stupid film!  So tell me about this Conor guy."
Cassidy: "Well, his family gets murdered by the Evil Empire and he has to fight back against them with a rag tag band of rebels.  Fortunately he's got the power of the Roar to help him -"
Exec: "The 'Roar'?"
Cassidy: "Yeah, it's basically The Force but we can't call it that or Lucasfilm will sue."
Exec: "... Conor doesn't have to rescue a Princess or something does he?"
Cassidy: "Nope!  Though he's in love with one.  Princess Claire is the daughter of his enemy.  We got Keri Russell to play her -"
Exec: "What a coup!  She's going to be in the best thing on TV in 2015!  And the conflicted loyalties for the character will make great drama!"
Cassidy: "- but we weren't sure there was enough tragedy in Conor's life so we're going to kill her off in the first episode."
Exec: "..."
Cassidy: "Genius, right!?"
Exec (glum): "Tell me about your villain.  Claire's dad, yeah?"
Cassidy: "Well, that's how it looks at the start but we kill him off in the first episode too so we can reveal the real enemy: an immortal Roman centurion named Longinus, who is looking for the Spear of Destiny!"
Exec: "Longinus is your main villain?  Saint Longinus?"
Cassidy: "Yeah!  No-one will see that coming!"
Exec (resigned): "If I give you money, will you go away?"
Cassidy: "Absolutely!"
Exec: "Finally some good news."

So yeah, it's not too hard to see why this show got cancelled after only eight episodes.

No comments:

Post a Comment