Monday, 21 March 2016

Grizzly Rage (2007)

Yes, I know that I have no-one to blame but myself.

So obviously this is a terrible movie.  I'm sure you can tell that just from looking at the DVD cover above.  And so could I.  But it was really cheap and I have this thing about really cheap DVDs.  It's like a sickness.

Four college students decide to go on a camping trip.  Their intended destination is a place that they've visited before but at the last minute they decide to press on another hour to a more remote location: one festooned with "no trespassing" signs.

Naturally, with geniuses like this as your cast, it's not long before things go badly awry.  They smash their SUV into a bear cub (apparently: we don't actually see the impact, just the dead cub afterward) and then plough into the undergrowth.

Idiot Cast Member: "I don't believe this!"
Me: "Yeah, you were just driving at high speeds down a dirt track you'd never been on before.  Who could possibly have foreseen an accident?"

So anyway, mama bear turns up and the clueless quartet skedaddle as soon as they manage to get the car up and running.  Not very far though, as it soon overheats due to a damaged radiator.  And of course, they have exactly one full bottle of water on them.  Though for some reason, they have a good dozen empties.  So they go looking for water ... and find mama bear, who is still after them.

And thus the pattern of the film emerges: humans do something dumb, bear turns up.  Humans do something dumb.  Bear turns up.  Or sometimes "bear", since a few sequences are clearly not a real animal but a guy in a suit.  The latter group includes literally every scene where the human cast and the "bear" are even remotely in shot together.  Clearly the production's insurance didn't cover having an actual bear near their actors.  As you can imagine, that's a factor that severely undercuts any potential for generating a real sense of threat.  Though just in case there was any chance, the movie makes sure it is squandered by splashing CGI blood across the camera every time the bear makes a kill.  It's kind of hysterically awful.

Frankly, you'll probably end up wishing the bear would hunt down the director and writers of the film, as well as the actors.

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