Wednesday, 1 February 2017
3-Headed Shark Attack (2015)
Other than mockbusters, The Asylum's largest body of output is "creature features", where some kind of scientific gobbledygook is spouted to justify an improbably large, dangerous, or otherwise mutated animal going on a rampage. Stuff like the (surprisingly fun) Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, for instance.
The single animal The Asylum most likes to employ, however, is the shark. Quite possibly because they're comparatively easy to do cheap CGI for. They're the people behind the Mega-Shark and Sharknado film series, for instance, and this film represents another dip in the same pool. So to speak.
So the premise is that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch (which is a real thing) is causing strange mutations in the animals in the area (which is not). An underwater research base - portrayed in some of the worst model work of the 21st Century - has been established to investigate this phenomena, but neither the base nor its occupants are equipped to deal with the massive, three headed shark that suddenly appears and goes on a flesh-eating, physics-denying rampage.
All the usual hallmarks of Asylum quality are on show here: a nonsensical and repetitive script (made even more so by the fact that a couple of conversations literally happen twice - great editing job, guys!), weak special effects, and woeful acting. And I do mean woeful. Aging pro wrestler and noted stoner Rob Van Dam turns in a performance better than most of the rest of the cast.
But lets face it, no-one's watching a movie called 3-Headed Shark Attack for the nuanced performances, they're watching for the people eating antics. And as far as those go ... well I guess if gouts of CGI blood are your thing it has you covered.
This is a sequel to (you guessed it) 2-Headed Shark Attack, and quite frankly that earlier film looks like a masterpiece in comparison to this one. Which is not to say it's actually good, of course, but it's at least a little more inventive with its killer fish antics. It's still no Deep Blue Sea, though, which remains my go-to suggestion for anyone who just wants to watch some sharks implausibly murder a bunch of folks.