Dead Rising: Watchtower (2015)

The first zombie outbreak in the US was a traumatic experience.  The second much less so, mostly due to the invention of Zombrex, a drug which - if administered daily - will prevent those who have been bitten from becoming zombies themselves.  This significantly reduced the death count and allowed many infected to continue to lead their lives.

So when the third outbreak occurs, the authorities seal off the area, ship in lots of Zombrex, and confidently predict the problem will be resolved in a few days.  Only the most desperate of journalists - bottom feeders like Chase Carter - would bother to turn up to cover it in person.

And if you're thinking to yourself, "Self, I bet everything is about to go horribly, horribly wrong and ol' Chase will be at ground zero for it all", then clearly you have at least two brain cells to rub together.

So when the original Dead Rising game came out, a friend of mine had a real love/hate relationship with the game.  On the one hand slaughtering hordes of zombies with all manner of improvised weapons - baseball bats, shovels, lawn mowers, you name it - was fun, but the game kept interrupting his gleeful carnage of the living dead with plot-related cut scenes and boss battles that he found much less enjoyable.

In this regard, the film accurately captures the game experience.  It's fun when it's being gonzo, and letting Chase and his allies run amok with all kinds of silly zombie-slaying antics, but falls flat whenever it tries to bring in more depth.  There's an ongoing plot regarding why things have escalated this time which is honestly not as interesting or engaging as the film-makers evidently hoped.

The zombie-fighting action here is good (if oftentimes a bit goofy).  For fans of the genre it is definitely worth a look, and I had fun, but it's not even the best zombie movie based on a video game (that's still Resident Evil) so I can't really recommend it to anyone who isn't already a fan of either the franchise or of zombie media in general.

A Christmas Tale (2005)

This is going to be a very spoilery review.  You have been warned.

It is 1985.  Five kids find a woman who has fallen into a pit, in the woods outside their town.  At first they intend to help her, but then they learn she's a bank robber.  She has two million pesetas stashed somewhere, and as far as they're concerned, she's not getting out of that pit until she tells them where it is.

Of course, sooner or later she is going to get out of the pit, even if she has to die first to do it ...

So the real problem with this film is its insistence on being a zombie film.  If it was just the world's most messed up version of The Goonies, I'd actually give it a qualified recommendation.  And I didn't even particularly like The Goonies when I saw it (it's on the 'to be re-watched one day' list to see if it was mediocre as I thought it at the time).

Now if you turn the film off about five minutes before its actual end, basically right after the 'fist pump' moment (you'll know it if you see it) then you can actually enjoy the film on that basis, and forget the badly integrated zombie angle.  I mean, the movie would be better still if it was wholly "realistic" and jettisoned the zombie angle entirely in favour of "homicidally angry criminal chases resourceful but kind of nasty kids around a fun park", but I'd have been much more positive about it.  Alas, the actual conclusion robs the film of a lot of its (admittedly oddball) entertainment value.

Wreckage (2010)

Four friends get stuck miles out of town when their car blows a gasket during a drag race.  Rather than hike all the way home, they decide to check out a much nearer junk yard for parts.  And as you might have surmised from the DVD cover, from there things go horribly, gorily wrong from there for them, and for their would be rescuers.

Wholly structural messes, Batman!  This film is an organisational schimozzle.  First off, it's got not just one but two prologues, the first of which pretty much spoils the identity of the killer and the second of which has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the film.  And which, given the whole thing is only 83 minutes, smacks of a desperate attempt to pad out the run time.

Then there's the secondary characters.  Even excepting those from the second prologue, who are never seen again, an awful lot of minor roles in this film kind of show up, engage just enough to make it seem like they're relevant to what's going on, and then completely vanish from proceedings without any kind of resolution.  A few do stick around to dutifully get killed off, which let's face it is the main point of secondary characters in a slasher film, but there's an unusually high proportion of walk-on roles that also walk off alive.  Maybe they ran out of fake blood on set, or something.

This is a decidedly mediocre and messy film that wastes a better-than-average for this sort of thing cast and a potentially interesting slasher location on a whole lot of nothing much.  You'd be far better off re-watching Cold Prey, Halloween or Friday the 13th for the Nth time than bothering with this.

The Dead (2010)

The dead start rising from the grave and attacking the living in West Africa.  Those that can - mostly foreigners - evacuate, attempting to escape the chaos.  The locals of course, have no choice but to stay and fight.

Also stranded is a US engineer/mercenary whose evacuation flight crashed just off the coast.  Teaming up with a local soldier who is searching for this son, the two attempt to stay alive.

The Dead has no time for your revisionist modern zombie films and their new-fangled "fast" zombies: it's Romero-style shamblers all the way here, with the undead shuffling and plodding after their victims, slowly but tirelessly and implacably.  The film-makers actually do a good job of using the lumbering nature of their undead to the film's advantage, with several scenes being a race against time as the undead slowly encroach while the living attempt to resolve some issue they're facing.  It's smart work.

I'll also give them points for setting their film outside of American suburbia.  The movie was filmed on location: a decision they probably had some cause to regret as their lead (who is regrettably a grizzled white guy) contracted a serious case of malaria.

Really I only have two complaints with the film, but they're enough to make me degrade the rating from a qualified recommendation to a not recommended.  The first is that the lack of other characters outside of the two mains undermines some of the tension and restricts the interactions you can have.  The second is the final act, which falls apart a bit.  It looks to me like they're once more trying to emulate Romero but they do it a loss less successfully on this occasion (mind you, old George himself hasn't hit the mark in a while).

Ultimately, if you're a zombie buff it is probably worth your time, but it's not going to convert you to the genre if you aren't already a fan.

A Darker Fifty Shades: The Fetish Set (2015)

Four fetish models are attending a convention.  Reyna, Mai and Jo are old acquaintances (friends might be too strong a word) while the fourth is Reyna's new girlfriend, Angel.

When Angel is raped, Reyna and Jo (probably accurately) decide that the cops aren't going to help women with their careers, and instead set out to exact some revenge themselves.  Unfortunately, taking the law into their own hands is going to go to some very, very bad places for them all.  The attack on Angel wasn't a random one, and now they're all in the sights of a very bad man ...

I suspect that titillation (and obviously some coat-tailing on E L James's success) were the primary marketing levers for The Fetish Set, but in practice it doesn't turn out to have all that much sexy stuff in it.  I mean, it's no Ninja Cheerleaders - this isn't a PG-13 film that's had a couple of moments of random nudity spliced in - but there's a lot more of the characters freaking out about the horrible stuff that's happening to them than "oh my top fell off" action going on here.

There's also a lot more of the characters freaking out about the horrible stuff than the actual horrible stuff happening on screen.  Which in some ways is a good thing - I have no interest in watching Hostel - but it does make me wonder who's actually going to enjoy this movie.  Is there a fetish market for "women freaking out"?  (please note: this is a rhetorical question, I do not want an answer)

For myself, I bought the film because I thought it would be interesting to see Bill Oberst, Jr (who credibly portrayed the US president in Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies) tackle the role of a vicious killer.  Alas, the film doesn't give him a lot to do, on screen.

Whether you're looking or nudity, gore, or Bill Oberst Jr, look elsewhere.  (also look elsewhere if you're looking for a nuanced or respectful portrayal of fetish models, but that probably goes without saying)

The Signal (2007)

A strange signal blankets the airwaves, overriding TVs, phones and radio.  Anyone who spends too much time watching it becomes paranoid and violent, and soon there is anarchy across the city as assaults and murders spiral out of control.  The handful of people not affected by the signal must try to survive as their neighbours become violent sociopaths.

So far, so "rage zombie 101".  Where The Signal at least tries to be a little out of the ordinary is that not everyone exhibits the same symptoms after becoming infected.  Or at least, not to the same degree.  They all become homicidally violent but some retain the ability to speak and interact and even to some extent to control their actions.  Though it's generally a tenuous grip at best.  What that means is that the guy who seems relatively calm and says that he's just looking for his wife might actually be far more dangerous than the nutter with the crowbar who is hammering at your door.

Written and directed as three short films that connect to and follow on from one another, The Signal suffers from some tonal inconsistencies (much of the middle section has a blackly comic tone that's not supported by the other parts at all) and from some dubious continuity.  It also has an ending that wikipedia tells me is meant to be ambiguous, but which feels to me more like it's just cadged straight off Brazil.

If you're a hardcore zombie apocalypse fan, this might be worth your time.  Otherwise you can safely skip it.

2018 October Schedule

During October, I'll be posting reviews on Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays, for a total of 13 reviews over the course of the month.  They'll all be horror-themed reviews, so if nominally scary movies aren't your thing, then feel free to take a month's break from this blog :)

The normal Tuesday and Friday schedule will resume in November, with the first review for that month appearing on the 2nd.