Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (2021)

 

Although disgraced executive bodyguard Michael Bryce succeeded in his brief to protect the life of hitman Darius Kincaid in 2017's The Hitman's Bodyguard, that achievement didn't resurrect his career in the way he had hoped.

He's trying to clear his mind with a beachside vacation when his life is turned upside down by Darius's wife, Sonia Kincaid.  As they battle there way past a horde of gunmen, Sonia lays out the situation.  Darius has been kidnapped by vengeful mobsters, but before he was captured, he told Sonia to come to Bryce for help.

Or as it actually turns out, he told Sonia "anyone but Bryce", and she misheard him.

From here, Darius, Sonia and Bryce stumble into a slapstick, farcical caper involving international terrorists, sudden inventions of plot-relevant backstories, and "hilarity" on a par with the "not Bryce" joke up above.

The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard was a critical and commercial failure, and I certainly don't have any problems seeing why.  It is one of the most painfully unfunny action comedies I've sat through in quite some time.  It ultimately seems to have only two actual jokes in its arsenal.

The first 'joke' is that something awful happens to Michael Bryce, like he's hit by a car, but he's somehow not seriously injured by it.  The film's never identified Bryce's biological father, but based on the on-screen evidence, my money's on Gumby.

The second 'joke' is 'Sonia Kincaid really wants a baby', the leaden and unfunny execution of which makes it no surprise to me that the film's writers are all men.

Even if the gags were more varied and better executed, however, The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard would still suffer from a critical flaw: every single character - with the possible exception of Bryce - is a repulsive human being with whom I would prefer to spend as little time as possible.